Quotes from my Operating Systems Professor, an ongoing project

My Operating Systems professor is a very matter-of-fact humourless Asian man who has no brain to mouth filter, so everything he says  is automatically hilarious. Try to say any of these quotes with a straight face. Go on, try.

• About semaphores:  "Maybe they don't like the Dutch. P and V, what is that? I don't care."
• "These days, if anything goes wrong, we can just blame our genes."
• "Some of you say the material is a little dry. Well, most operating systems concepts are dry. I'm trying to make it more interesting, but there's a limit."
• About time-outs: "Sharing resources is like using the bathroom. Only one person can use the bathroom at a time. What if he stays in there and doesn't come out? You can get someone to go under the door and drag him out. (beat) This works in software, not advisable in bathrooms."
• "I received an anonymous feedback asking me not to call on them during class. Please send me an email."
• About messages: "It doesn't matter what language you write in: Greek, Arabic, Korean. The postman only needs an address on the envelope. Actually these days, if you write in Arabic, the post office might be interested in the contents of your letter..."
• About message sender IDs: "You can ask, 'Who are you?' And they'll say, President Obama. And then you can say, 'No, you're lying!'"
• "What is the most important resource? The CPU. It is the numero uno. I speak some Spanish."
• "One scheduling goal is fairness. Try to minimize the number of angry emails."
• About Shortest Time to Completion First (STCF): "You can ask the process when it will finish. But I can say, oh, one millisecond and run for hours. So end the process at whatever time it gives you. You lie, you die."
• (About our T.A Ben): "You need to talk to the Ben."
• (About finals) For the next two weeks, keep washing your hands and don't get cold. You can't afford to be lying down.

Too Much Milk problem: 

•  "So you go to class, you're in class all day. You're thirsty. The classes are all so boring, it's fourth year in the engineering school, and all you want to do is go home. (finally getting to the point) So you want a nice cold glass of milk."
• Too Much Milk cont, about thread time-out: "So this time, it's your roommate's job to get the milk. You wait and wait. She doesn't come back. She's gone to Florida. You are standing in front of the fridge, so thirsty, saying, 'Come back.'" (beat) "I am not trying to make this romantic."

Dining Philosopher's Problem

•  Prof: "What do philosophers eat?"
  Student: "Wine."
  Prof: *cracks the first grin I have ever seen*
• "Are the philosophers worried about communicable diseases?"
• "Are the philosophers are tired of meat? Do they want another food? Maybe they don't want to share chopsticks." (class is taking notes) "That was a joke."
• "Maybe some of you are thinking the world would be better off without philosophers."
• Student, describing solution to deadlock: "What if the philosophers wait till one philosopher dies, and then they take his chopsticks?"
  Professor: "That is not humanitarian."
• "Drinking Philosopher's Problem. That's messier."