Advice From My Lovely Flist?
Nov. 20th, 2011 03:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
foolish_m0rtalRight, so I wrote down a longer private entry where I cried my eyes out and wrote a lot of terribly soul-bearing and incoherent stuff, so now I feel like I can condense some things into a clean and intelligible whole.
Background
Alarmingly, I've found myself becoming the asexual 'spokesperson' to many students at my university. This is strange for me, because I didn't identify as an asexual till very recently. Still, I understand that I am perhaps one of the only out asexuals that people know, and a lot of friends and acquaintances have come to me with questions. I think it's so great that the majority of people here are accepting and curious about aces, and I've tried to read up extensively about asexuality so that I can give them good sound answers. I'm the 'new kid' in the asexual community, so I know that I don't know everything, but I've really tried to do my best to fully educate myself so I can spread awareness.
The Problem
There's a girl I've been interested in for some time. She has a wonderful free spirited personality, and I consider her very attractive. Through circumstances and details that will just muddy up the narrative, I kissed her very recently, and I felt absolutely nothing. I don't understand this at all. I like her very much. There was the initial elation of, "Yeah, I kissed her! Go, emotionally-introverted me!" But then I discovered kissing was just, "Meh. Lips. Kind of weird to have them in proximity. Whatever" instead of...I don't know, what everyone says you should feel. Has the cynical Mortal really bought into all the sappy media hype about romance? I'm not sure. All I know is that I desperately wanted to feel something, and I didn't. For the first time, I felt truly bereft, cheated, and alien from everyone else.
Inner Conflict
But now I am confused as hell and don't know if I'll ever feel anything, as much as I want to. I don't know who I can talk to about this, since I'm pretty much the only well-informed asexual around. I'm sure there are other asexuals out there, but they haven't come out of the woodwork. I don't know if I should post this as a question on AVEN. I tried speaking to some members on the chat, but they didn't seem to care. They were too busy giving physical descriptions of themselves and being depressed about how they looked while others encouraged them and criticised their own looks. Really? Are we still at this point? "Oh, I look terrible." "No, darling, you don't. I look terrible." What, are we in an issue of fucking Cosmo?
What about other aces at the university? I only know one other ace who can't be bothered and is a more sexually inclined grey-sexual who might not understand anything I'm talking about. (There are also some other personal issues that make him a less than ideal confidante.) I'm very lost here, and I'm not sure if talking to a non-ace about it will just make them doubt my convictions about being asexual and undo a lot of the work I've already done.
Background
Alarmingly, I've found myself becoming the asexual 'spokesperson' to many students at my university. This is strange for me, because I didn't identify as an asexual till very recently. Still, I understand that I am perhaps one of the only out asexuals that people know, and a lot of friends and acquaintances have come to me with questions. I think it's so great that the majority of people here are accepting and curious about aces, and I've tried to read up extensively about asexuality so that I can give them good sound answers. I'm the 'new kid' in the asexual community, so I know that I don't know everything, but I've really tried to do my best to fully educate myself so I can spread awareness.
The Problem
There's a girl I've been interested in for some time. She has a wonderful free spirited personality, and I consider her very attractive. Through circumstances and details that will just muddy up the narrative, I kissed her very recently, and I felt absolutely nothing. I don't understand this at all. I like her very much. There was the initial elation of, "Yeah, I kissed her! Go, emotionally-introverted me!" But then I discovered kissing was just, "Meh. Lips. Kind of weird to have them in proximity. Whatever" instead of...I don't know, what everyone says you should feel. Has the cynical Mortal really bought into all the sappy media hype about romance? I'm not sure. All I know is that I desperately wanted to feel something, and I didn't. For the first time, I felt truly bereft, cheated, and alien from everyone else.
Inner Conflict
But now I am confused as hell and don't know if I'll ever feel anything, as much as I want to. I don't know who I can talk to about this, since I'm pretty much the only well-informed asexual around. I'm sure there are other asexuals out there, but they haven't come out of the woodwork. I don't know if I should post this as a question on AVEN. I tried speaking to some members on the chat, but they didn't seem to care. They were too busy giving physical descriptions of themselves and being depressed about how they looked while others encouraged them and criticised their own looks. Really? Are we still at this point? "Oh, I look terrible." "No, darling, you don't. I look terrible." What, are we in an issue of fucking Cosmo?
What about other aces at the university? I only know one other ace who can't be bothered and is a more sexually inclined grey-sexual who might not understand anything I'm talking about. (There are also some other personal issues that make him a less than ideal confidante.) I'm very lost here, and I'm not sure if talking to a non-ace about it will just make them doubt my convictions about being asexual and undo a lot of the work I've already done.
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Re: Comment in two parts, because it got long
Date: 2011-11-20 04:30 pm (UTC)Mhm, I think it's irritating when aces try some intimate act like kissing or cuddling, and people have built up this image of you as a...monk, I don't know. So all their sentences begin with, 'But you're asexual!"
I'll try to navigate the depths of the AVEN forums to find something along the lines of what you were describing. I think last night right after, I just wanted an answer immediately because I was upset, and so I thought asking someone on the chat might be a good idea. Thanks for letting me know there are resources out there! Thank you also for taking the time to put together such a well-thought and informative response to my giant panic-attack post. I really really appreciate your help.
Re: Comment in two parts, because it got long
Date: 2011-11-21 08:52 am (UTC)She still can't get her head around the concept of asexuality, but she supports me throughout all of it. I'm glad all my friends are so wonderful about this. :)
Re: Comment in two parts, because it got long
Date: 2011-11-22 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-20 04:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-20 07:36 pm (UTC)Regardless of one's awareness of media and culture's impact on oneself, there is so much of it around you, now and while you're growing up, that it's impossible to declare yourself completely free of its influence. Maybe you have bought into the Grand Romance ideal, and there is a part of you that unconsciously hyped The Kiss, but that is not an indictment of your logic, your emotional landscape, or your sexual/romantic identification.
I think one kiss is not determinate of anything. There have been men and women in the past whom I thought I was sexually attracted to, but when I kissed them, I felt nothing. It could be that this particular girl is simply someone who did nothing for you kissing-wise. Or maybe kissing just does nothing for you period, and that's all right, too. Kissing is not the be-all and end-all of intimacy. Maybe you're a hug&cuddle person. Maybe you're a handholding person. Or maybe you're none of those things at all and it's a slow walk toward finding the thing that expresses your affection toward another person.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-21 08:54 am (UTC)