foolish_m0rtal | Brown College Question 1B

Who would be the worst person (real or fictional) to pursue you romantically? Be aware that you will NEVER love this person back.

August 29, 2009

DEAR ABBY:

I’ll admit, I have a weakness for the tall, dark, and handsome type, so when I started talking with this guy online a few weeks ago who fit the profile, I was pretty excited for our first date. What I soon realized was that ‘him’ was actually ‘them,’ and they were the Nazgul.

Abby, they just don’t get the fact that I need my personal space. When I mentioned pursuing a romantic relationship, they did start pursuing me. Across grounds astride fell beasts. I can’t get rid of them—they even try to fly me back home after class. There’s nine of them. Nine. Even if I lose one of them, there’s always another who finds me eventually. My life has become a huge game of Where is Waldo, His Power Calls To Us. We don’t even do normal things, like go to the movies or for coffee.

They’re way too over protective, and I feel totally cut off from the rest of the world. My friends won’t sit near me anymore when the Nazgul are around. I can’t even get away from them in class. I just had to mention that I got a B instead of a B+ on my last Electronics exam, and they came into my class the next day and stabbed my professor with a Morgul blade! Who does that? Why can’t they just give him a low score on RateMyProfessor.com like normal people? Last football game, they actually tried filling in for Cav-man, who we found unconscious behind a concessions stand a few hours later. I don’t even want to know where they got those huge black horses.

And I’m not superficial, really I’m not. I don’t care about looks. When I asked for tall, dark, and handsome- hey, I got two out of three so I counted myself lucky then. But I can’t even look at them. Really, I try and it’s like there are no faces under those crowns. I feel like we’re just ~~two~~ ten different people.

I don’t know how to let them down gently. They won’t even accept the fact that I’m not interested. I have to end it now, before it gets any worse. They keep talking about rings, can you imagine? We’ve only been dating for two weeks-- I haven’t even met their parents! ~~Do they have parents?~~ When I told them it was too soon to even be thinking about something like that, they just hissed and threw a fit.

What should I do, Abby? How should I end this relationship?

--MAD AT MINAS MORDOR

December 14, 2009

DEAR ABBY,

Thank you so much for your advice- it really helped. The Nazgul and I…well, pretty much just I talked about what wasn’t working with our relationship.

We’ve both gone our separate ways. The Nazgul have permanently replaced Cav-man at the football games, and honestly, it’s actually funny to see the rival team’s faces whenever they come out onto the field.(And we’ve resolved the ‘chasing down and mauling the rival team’ issue. Communication error, I’m sure) It’s still awkward ~~between~~ amongst us now, but I think we’ll be fine.

And I followed your advice; I haven’t given up on my tall dark and handsome type. I’ve just found someone else on eHarmony who I think might be the one. Oh, I don’t know what he does- something about working in a prison for wizards. But I might give him a shot. His profile says he’s a pretty good kisser.

–GLAD AT MINAS MORDOR

(Note for LJ readers: For anyone who doesn't know, Cav-man is the school mascot, short for Cavalier Man. We also have a real life Cav-man who rides around the football field on a horse. He has become famous as of late since he fell off his horse during a game recently)