Brown College Question 2C

[foolish_m0rtal]

You have access to a crystal ball, and discover your first-born child will be a total asshole. What do you do in order to warn the people he will someday meet?

Being an asshole is not widely accepted even in today’s supposedly liberal forward-thinking society, perhaps because many people believe it is a “choice and there is no such thing as the ‘asshole gene’” (Maynard, 932) despite the gene’s mapping in 1999 by the Human Genome Project.

 

This genetic phenomena we call ‘being an asshole’  or ‘assholery,’ (technically termed Iackass maximus) has been the subject of great many psychological and biological studies after its initial discovery in 1865 by genetics pioneer Gregor Mendel, when he attempted to discover why Brother Demetrius kept cutting off the heads of Mendel’s pea plants for no apparent reason. Interestingly, though it is widely believed that at least 48% of the world is made up of assholes, scientists have since confirmed that assholery is a rare recessive trait (Figure 1.1) and only accounts for roughly 25-27% of the population (Figure 1.2). This recessive trait is usually passed on by the father, though a variant of the A-gene, termed the B-gene (Totalus bitchus) is usually carried by the mother and passed on to female offspring.

Figure 1.1

These findings initially caused a scare amidst the populous with many families not choosing to have children for fear that they would inherit the gene and couples separating after tests for the A-gene showed up positive. The most marked of these atrocities was in Thebes, where many mothers, fearing for the blood pressure of their neighbors and loved ones, exposed their A-gene positive newborns upon mountaintops to die. Statistically, almost 92% of these A-gene babies were firstborns, 51% were male, and more than half of these are suspected to have survived due to kindly acts of old shepherds. It is also interesting to note that years later, many of these Theban families were dissolved due to a Corinthian stranger killing the husband and marrying his wife, who many times killed herself later on because she described the murderer as “strangely familiar” and “a total asshole”(Abrams & Grant, 2003).

 

Scientific research since then has shown that these long ignored genes have already impacted the population gene pool significantly, and the sudden isolation of such genes would cripple the population, giving birth to such feared superhumans as the Kwisatz Haderach and Mary Sues (Mohiam, 10,152 A.G.). 

Though these discoveries gave rise to many ‘anti-asshole’ marches on Washington, mainly lead by groups of disgruntled single men whose A-gene friends had stolen their significant others, genetic/psychology research has proven these ‘genetic-mindcontrol’ claims false by proving how much mere human subconscious awareness of the A-gene has influenced past and present human social interactions. Spearheading this effort have been world renowned scientists such as Yuri Ivanov, who has written at length on how nice guys (Whiny mugglem) never get the girl anyway even without external A-gene related factors, and the breakthrough research by Ramakrishna and Nakamura that conclusively showed that assholes, despite the social drawbacks of their gene, always seem to have the best girlfriends (now tentatively referred to as Femina masochista by the scientific community).

Figure 1.2

With such surprisingly small numbers of genetically confirmed assholes, it is up for great debate where the rest of the asshole population comes from and if there is another similar asshole gene that has yet to be discovered. Dr. Samuel Johnson, a renowned geneticist involved with the Human Genome Project and publically declared asshole expresses much interest in delving further into this second A-gene research, but is still not able to secure funding for his work. This is mainly based on past discrimination, from employees quitting because Johnson stole their research to a woman who attempted to stab Johnson in the jugular with the heel of her shoe after he ate her Lunchables from the office refrigerator. Despite past discrimination against him, Johnson still expresses interest in bringing back the project, so that “future generations will be more accepted and will be able to punch anyone they want with impunity” (McDonald, 2008).

In conclusion, with a bill in place for the creation of national Asshole Support Societies (ASS), asshole  guidance training systems for teachers and faculty instituted in local schools and colleges, and the ongoing research pouring into this almost unknown field, perhaps there will come a day when mothers will have A-gene positive children and accept them with equal love rather than going to violent lengths trying to warn their neighbors and loved ones about the hell that shall shortly become their lives (Bianci, 2001).

Acknowledgements

Abrams, O & Grant T.K. (2003). The Jocastan Effect. Scientific American, 8(12), 4-7.

Maynard, B. (932, February 20). The A-gene, a human rights initiative. Book of Armaments, (2), v. 9-21.

Bianci, A. (2001, March 23). Woman dies in freak time-travelling accident. Time, 198(4), 24-33.

McDonald, H.L. (2008, September 4). Johnson and the second A-gene. New Yorker, A2.

Mohiam, G.H. (Ed. 1),(10,152 A.G). Bene gesserit breeding program. Chapterhouse: Weirding Way Press

Comments

[x-mog.livejournal.com]

O___O Huh?

[foolish-m0rtal.livejournal.com]

oh dear, what? T_T Does this not make sense? Some of my friends were like "there's an asshole gene?" and I was like *facepalm*

[x-mog.livejournal.com]

I'm on so ubber late that I'm usualy half out of it anyway. So er... Yeah. lol Thats why my reaction was confusion.

It's actualy pretty amusing now that I've re-read it while actualy awake. ^.~

[foolish-m0rtal.livejournal.com]

whew! That's a relief. I spent the most time on this and would be loathe to change it.

[obseletevulture.livejournal.com]

Clearly this would be better explained by reading Ender's game and attempting to explain Peter Wiggin to the world.

Also, I wouldn't warn them. I'd lock the child in my basement. I don't have a basement and I'd indoctrinate him int he world of anime until he's totally nuts, then release him on unsuspecting people.
He'd come back with a boyfriend at least, and therefore the world wouldn't be allowed to not-like him.
:D
*shot*

[foolish-m0rtal.livejournal.com]

I was originally going to groom him into an evil super-arch nemesis, but this came flooding out instead. I must have written this in about two hours in one sitting.

[foolish-m0rtal.livejournal.com]

s-sooo, what did you think of this one? I spent the most time on it, so I'm anxious to see what people think.

As I mentioned to mog previously, some people thought this was an actual paper, like for a genetics class or something. Their instinct to take a scientific paper seriously (because if it's a scientific article, of course it's correct) warring with their internal common sense.
Don't ever trust anything you read.
Unfortunately, common sense lost in the end...